Dating after an affair
That includes letting the partner who was cheated on see emails and cell phones, which Coleman calls “random ‘drug tests.’” “It seems like the cheater is now on probation, and that is not ideal, but the betrayed partner needs to rebuild trust and faith,” he says.
“Knowing they can check on their partner's phone or computer is a bit reassuring.”Handing over email and social media passwords can be another sign of trustworthiness.
“The person who cheated cannot see the person they cheated with again,” says Klow. “They want to know where it happened, how many times.
Some people don't want to know as much information.
“Giving passwords, things like that, it's a gift that someone who's betrayed you gives that says, ‘You can have 100 percent trust in me and you can look through my things and you can do what you need to do,’” Derhally says.
“There's many people I've worked with who are very willing to give their passwords and things like that to their spouse.”Of course, technology can make it possible for cheaters to continue behaving badly without leaving a record by deleting apps from their phones or communicating with affair partners through things like Snapchat.
Finally, the couple has to essentially recreate their relationship.
“The couple needs to let go of the parts of their [partnership] which were not working, and then move towards creating a new dynamic in the relationship,” Klow says.
“Not to scare people, but that is a challenge.”It’s also important for the couple to evaluate the relationship’s issues beyond the cheating.“A troubled relationship is not an excuse for cheating, but if improvements can be made in broader areas—communication, time together, sex, etc.—it can be reassuring to both that cheating is less likely to occur,” Coleman says.“A major thing with couples is always to have them realize that there are two people there, and each person has to own their stuff, because blame is a big deal,” Sherry Amatenstein, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, tells SELF.