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I decided to devote my senior thesis to answering the question of whether Middlebury women really were playing the game—and if anyone was actually enjoying it.***After interviewing 75 male and female students and analyzing over 300 online surveys, the solidarity was undeniable: 100% of female interviewees and three-quarters of female survey respondents stated a clear preference for committed relationships.
(My research focus was on the experiences of heterosexual women, although of course many non-heterosexual relationships happen at Midd as well.) Only 8% of about 25 female respondents who said they were presently in pseudo-relationships reported being “happy” with their situation.
I told myself that I was a feminist, despite subjecting myself to unfulfilling, emotionally damaging sexual experiences.
I loved learning and made Phi Beta Kappa my junior year. But my internal life was characterized by paralyzing anxiety and depression. I drove myself to excessive exercising and near-anorexia. While there was a major gulf between my public self and my private one, the one thing that remained consistent were my politics.
Desperate for a hand held in daylight, for public affirmation of desire typically expressed only after too many drinks.
Desperate to try commitment, then if it wasn’t working, rather than being prematurely cut off from it.
What’s worse, we really thought of the situation in those terms: “We were desperate to know what it felt like to be wanted; desperate for a chance at intimacy.If this was sexual liberation, it was hard to understand how it was helping women.But I was pretty sure my friends and I weren’t closeted conservatives who wanted to go back to an era of sockhops and going steady.I wished that I could be like the guys, who seemed not to care at all.
Months after things had ended between us, Ben said, “I didn’t think of you as a human being while we were hooking up.” Ironically, once we hooking up, we became friends, and he actually developed romantic feelings for me.
I led a popular student website and was active in the arts and athletics. Your privileged ass has nothing to complain about,” you’re right.